He's Not Safe, But He's Good

This morning I was rereading a few chapter of Inside Out by Larry Crabb (if you don't own a copy, or haven't read it...its worth it and let me know, I'll find you a copy!) Throughout the book, Larry charges readers to consider deep desires and the profound pain we experience as sinful people, but also to dive deeper and discover the sin of our hearts.  

Within each of us, there are longings for things to be perfect, for healing, for transformation, for acceptance, for power, ect.  These longings are truely for Christ.  ONLY through HIM are any of these things possible.  The imperfection of our world and the pain we inevitably experience are the things that draw us closer to the heart of Christ.  However, there is something to be said about truly experiencing our pain, and choosing to love in response.  Our inclination (or at least mine) is to respond to pain by building walls around our hearts to ensure that we will never experience "that" again.  

This sin of self protection that we believe is keeping us "safe"  may be the thing that keeps us from truly experiencing Christ's goodness.  Imagine for a moment if Christ himself had surcomed to the sin of self protection. Through the mocking, rejection, and betrayl that He expereinced on earth, what if He had responded by distancing himself from people and guarding his own heart from the pain he could possibly experience.  There would have never been love, acceptance, forgiveness, hope. Thank GOD that Jesus endured very painful circumstances and loved anyways.  You see, loving Christ means loving others, even if it causes us deep pain.  Through rejection, mocking, vulnerability, betrayle, hatred and brokenness, we become like Jesus.  

Pleseant christianity isn't true christianity.  Until we take some time to understand our own self protective ways of relating to others (and sometimes to Christ himself), then we will never really understand and be capable of living and loving like Christ.  

I guarentee that it will be messy.(Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us)   

I guarentee that it will be at times very painful. (Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.) 

I guarentee that you will mess up, repent, and mess up again. (1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.) 

 I guarentee people will still hurt you.  I guarentee that you will still hurt people.  But the Lord tells us in John 16:33 tells us ³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

So what is your "that".  What is the thing that you avoid at all cost.  The pain that you never wish to revisit and will labor to never have to experience again.  The rejection of someone who you thought loved you, the abandonment you felt from parents who were unwilling to engage with you, the dissapointment that your career was less then satisfying, the disrespect you receive from the one person who vowed to love you till death.  It could be many things.  Life throws stones at us sometimes.  

Whatever the pain you are currently experiencing, take heart and know that Christ has been there.  But also, be on guard.  It is easy to become self protective ( cold, distant, argumentative, unattached, guarded, unwilling to engage, over spiritual, condesending).  Be wise in knowing that these faulty patterns DO NOT draw you closer to Christ, in fact, they distance you and those you interact with from His love.  The funny thing about self protection, is that it isn't protection at all.  It may keep you from experiencing pain, but it also keeps you from experiencing the good fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) that Christ wants to bless you with.  Remember that we live in a fallen world, FULL of very sinful people (you being one of them).  BUT also remember that GOD IS GOOD.  That through him, we can perservere through the trials of this life and live victoriously.  Through Christ, we have everything we need. People reject you, Christ loves you.  People dissapoint you, Christ is faithful.  People underappreciate you, Christ values you.  People wrong you, Christ saved you.  

So do yourself a favor.  Let people off the hook.  Don't have a demanding spirit that requires others to be your savior.  You already have one!  When you are wronged by others, confront them, talk about it, then forgive them and let it go.  We can do this only when we admit our desires (what do you really want), mourn how we have been sinned against (life is really painful), understand what we are REALLY trying to get out of life (purpose, love), and stop trying to find that "thing" in people (demanding spirit) and seek to find identity in Christ.

This is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It feels like death.  But remember...Christ isn't safe, but He's good.  

Beauty from Ashes...the Truth.

I was spending time in The Word this afternoon, asking God to make HIS words for me.  I opened up to 1 Samuel, where the story of Hannah caught my attention. Hannah means "he has found favor in me".  She was one of the two wives of Elkanah, and was barren (by the hand of God).  The "other wife" had multiple children, and provoked Hannah to the point of tears because of what she didn't have.    Hannah's barrenness was a real struggle for her.  She desired a child, and waited YEARS for God to provide.  Later in the story,  Hannah went to worship and broke  into tears over her unmet desire.  When her husband found her crying, he asked why she wept.  In 1 Samuel 1:8 he asks, Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"  

Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?  Chew on that for a moment.  I can imagine Hannah (who looks a little like myself)  begging for this ONE THING that she thinks will make it all good.  "I just want a child!  The other wife has a child!  What is wrong with me!  What did I do wrong?  I don't fit in! I am so alone! If only I was a mother, then my life would be complete"  Then her husband comes in and says "Am I not enough for you?  Do I not mean more to you?  I FAVOR you- can't you see that!"  

Is that not what Christ says to us?  You may be simple, meek, childless, single, poor, sick, broken, lost, desperate.  You may live in a tiny house, drive a broken car, have a jacked up past, but CAN"T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU!  I FAVOR YOU!  I CHOOSE YOU!  

Later in the story, Hannah becomes desperate.  She cries out to God for a child.  She vows that if only she can have a child, then she will give it back to Him.  Finally, she gives it to God.  She is saying "I trust you.  I want to be a mom- but I'll give him back to you. You know better!"  God blesses her.  She becomes pregnant and gives birth to Samuel, who she gives back to God and leaves at a very young age.  Samuel grows up to be a judge and prophet, and loved God deeply.  (All of which was God's plan all along.)

What....an....amazing....woman.  Hannah- very human, very broken  Pleading for God to show up and expecting that He would.  Waiting years to meet her son then giving him up as vowed. Hannah- faithful in prayer and vow, honest about the desire of her heart, patient to see what God had for her, and persistent in going to the father for what she wanted, even when it hurt....eventually.  It took her a minute, but she got there!   

We all have those one things in our lives that just seem so irritating.  Things that we question daily and that drive us to tears. The little fires that provoke us, cause us pain, expose our inadequacy, and most importantly illuminate our need for SOMEONE BETTER!  Its really hard to fathom that God would use these irritating things to show us more of Him or to teach us to trust Him. God showed Hannah that He cared, He was in control, He knew best, He was enough.  I am sure admitting her desire wasn't easy.  I am positive that handing over her son wasn't easy either.  But God used BOTH to teach Hannah to depend on Him.  In want and in plenty God is the same.  He loves us.  No matter what the world says about us, we are His children.  He thinks we are significant even when we think we are in need.

Hannah had a burning bush.  Her desire for a son.  The desire brought out all that was "wrong" with her.  She compared her life, sought significance in cultural norms, let the opinions of others cause her despair.  The desire also brought out all of the "right" in her to. She prayed, she sought God, she eventually got to the point of really trusting Him.  

Good thing she didn't get what she wanted and thought she needed immediately.  Think of all she would have missed out on.  

Where are the burning bushes in your life?  This is a question that  I have been wrestling with for some time now.  Asking where is God at work, what stands out as extraordinary amongst the ordinary. Drawing attention to what is stirring under the surface of my daily living.  What motivates me, drives me, inspires me, moves me.  What unmet desires ache in the deepest parts of me.  Praying for Christ to  illuminate where I am not trusting Him, and pleading that he grows me and makes me more like Him.  

Continually searching for those Karios moments when God Breaks Into Your Life through His word, His voice, His people are necessary.  Those moments of utter clarity where God reveals and uses the burning bushes of our greatest depravity, greatest strengths, greatest blessings,  to make us more like Jesus.

Lord- If my deepest, most painful unmet desires are the places where you meet me, grow me, and make me more like you, than break my heart until utter dependency is all I have and turn my ashes into something beautiful.  

  

It was a long shower...

I am feeling so blessed!  I just found out that my grandma gets to come home from 2 1/2 months of being in the hospital. It's been quite the journey for her and my family ( but especially for her).  Thanks for all the prayers-  I believe that she couldn't have made it through without them!!!!  

And speaking of prayers....

This morning in my shower (cause I have a bath tub crayon prayer wall in there, yes it is quirky I know) I was taking account of answered prayers. All I can say is WoW Wow WOw!!!!!!  God is good!  I admit things haven't turned out exactly how I would have planned or hoped they would, but in hind site, lessons learned and truths revealed along the way have been way more beneficial than if I had "gotten my way". So i stood there this morning, overwhelmed by God's goodness and grace. Truth be told,  I really do suck.  Truth be told, I am an undeserving, ungrateful, selfish, manipulatory, brat of a human being....Which makes it all so much sweeter.  

Sometimes I am tempted to have a giant pity party for prayers not answered. (And sometimes I full out throw one and I invite some of you!- told you I suck)   Like a toddler I ask why why why of God.  I admit that life is hard and full of numerous disappointments which leaves me aching for more...new... change.  I guess what I really need to seek is more of Jesus, a new perspective, and a change of heart. 

All this to say....be encouraged....trust Jesus....pray often.  

Sometimes life sucks-  it's inevitable- and necessary for that matter.  Without hardship and disappointment we would all feel entitled and deserving which frankly is untrue, friends.  

On the flip side-  God is ALWAYS good.  Always there.  Always understanding.  Always in control.  

When I finally get to a place where I understand and accept these truths, I can grasp unanswered prayers and appreciate a God who loves me enough to guide me through life's ups and downs to make me more like himself. 

It was a long shower.....:) 

National friendship day!

I just read that today is National Friendship Day.  How is it that I was unaware until 8 pm and why is it that am we are not celebrating!!!!!!  Pretend for  a moment that I'm not laying on a hospital cot in my Grammys room- which I am thankful for by the way- and that we are listening to a good band, having good conversation, and drinking good beer.  Now pause, raise your glass (cause of course good beer is only on tap) and cheers!!!!  Here is to us!  Thanks for being you!  Thanks for loving me!!!

And while We are on the subject-  here are some great memories shared by some really amazing people. Enjoy!!!


Melissa- my sis and first best friend- Jane Fonda workouts, leotard wedgies, water fights inside with mom's glasses, eaves dropping on your sleepovers in our closet,  "Roberta",  Christmas Eve all nighters,  tanning on the trampoline, pestering you and jonathon, your bachelorette party and wedding, me crying the first night you slept at your OWN house, holding your babies for the first time and brainwashing them later,  watching you be a really great mama, working on your new house, painting conversations,  lots of tears/arguments/encouragement/advice - ur the best big sis

Kelsey bush-  my almost sister-  barbies, slinky bunjijumping our barbies, make up, dress up, Nsync, camping, softball, sleepovers, skinny dipping, boy talks, church camp, 4th of July,  more boy talks, meeting Aaron, meeting Eli

Bryan Vaughn- lots of heart talks, meeting all your girl friends, helping you teach Sunday school, red clay sculptures, snake in your dash board,  really large 3 wick candle on your coffee table ??!,  staying at your house,  driving really fast,  letting me drive in the deep snow,  fruit by the foot,  Cuzco in the sink, rocky 1-300, Boys coming to see me at your house,  my first kiss in your living room while you ran an errand,  meeting Ashley, all of your dorky ill comments that make me laugh so much

Amanda Babcock-  poking turtles,  preschool, playing school, dress up, swimming, singing dorky songs on your swing set, milk weed,  building forts in the pine trees, swim suits with the back and belly cut out, riding bikes, crashing your go cart, trampolines and sprinklers, exploring, play house in the dog pen, sleepovers, trying to convince our siblings to marry

Kelsey Carroll- make overs and glamour shots, mind your own business contest, all your dads animal furs, lock ins, hairbrush concerts, hang outs before softball games, random elementary/middle school weird memories, a black tee you worse with a person with holes in their jeans on it,  your obsession with pigtail french braides, noodles with butter and garlic, introducing you and brent, creation station, crayon smoke breaks, randomly catching up over the past 10 years

Kylee Binder-  wow-  the memories-  food fights, hating you, loving you, formals, my bf wearing your jeans, cru, sleeping on your couch, the summer of carrots and celery, grouching at you at midnight, political talks/arguments, laying under the stars, fishing,  coffee,  haunted houses,  really awkward buffer dates, road trips,  New York mirror room, teryokki cafe, Frenchman psychologist fire, omalleys, junk stores, hammocking, loooong talks,  tears,  really dorky moments,  almost break ups,  photo shoots, Cassie and the cups,  tanning on the roof of ur parents house, I could go on and on

Schwartzes- making stuff, smoking pipes, youth group, singing in the sanctuary at church,  dancing around Andrews office, junk storing, that rolling back thing at your old office, you moving, moving back, moving away again, painting your bellies, cooking lots of yummy food, driving to independence, shooting guns, drinking good beer, kids around all the time, Andrews shenanigans, funny nicknames,  funny videos, balderdash, campfires, Skype calls, Annaleigh, "un" wedding dress shopping, living with y'all

Hali Jeter-  random meeting, quays cuddles, swim suit shopping, making things, storm chasing, snow days, rather large Oants we both got into, rodo virus, fresh baked cookies, hot chocolate with the frother, spying on bf and brother, el vira, depantsing, cook outs, camp outs, y'all living with my parents, y'all moving, road trips to the jeters, dress up with your kids, deer farm, swimming, carving pumpkins, the swimsuit mold,  I like summer, Halloween dress ups, basketball games, painting my room,  painting the union star house,  night tag,  sleepovers, bday parties, loooooong talks, ect

So these aren't nearly half of the people who have touched my life in some way!  I really believe that I have the best people who make life so full and so fun!  Happy national friendship day (or night!).

I saw Jesus...

My grandpa had passed away when I was 10, and sadly I have very few primary memories of his life.  I was just a little girl, and even though I spent an abundance of my first 10 years with him and my grandma, our shared experiences are not memories, but a sort of imprint on my heart you could say.   I know that he was a wonderful person who everyone loved dearly from the stories I hear and the pictures I see. I love my grandpa dearly. After my grandpa passed away, my grandma lived alone for many years.  After 40 plus years of marriage, I am certain that this was very difficult and lonely for her.  

Then, about 7ish years ago, my 73 year old grandma met a "friend", Ken.  Ken was spunky and full of life.  He and my grandma had a lot of fun together, fishing, bantering, and enjoying one another's companionship.  My grandmother grew to love Ken and he brought excitement back into her life.  I was careful not to get attached to Ken at first, thinking that this would be disrespectful of my grandpa's role in my life.  But the longer he was around, the fonder I grew of him.  He loves to tell stories, and we undoubtedly share a common love of  travel and shenanigan.  We've spent hours in conversation, Ken, Grandma, and I, of places seen, endevours of the heart, and of my grandpa.  (Yes, even HE wants to hear stories about him!) Slowly but surely, Ken won our hearts (grandma and me).  

 In the bible 3 kinds of love are mentioned.  Eros, which is associated with romance and marriage.  Agape, which is the type of love Jesus has for us.  The third is Philos, which is a deep friendship kind of love.  I am certain Ken and Grandma share a Philos type of love, caring for one another above themselves. 

Then, a few years ago Ken had a stroke. Life changed drastically for him, and for grandma.  Instead of running around like they usually did, they began spending much more time sitting at home and talking. Slowly over the years, his health has deteriorated and my sweet grandmother has vowed not to abandon him in his need.  "If it were me in his condition, he would do the same thing." (grandma).   

This morning, I went and visited Ken in the nursing home.  I walked in the door, I spotted he and Grandma sitting together at a table eating breakfast.  I stood and watched them for a second before they saw me.  Ken was sitting there frail and helpless in a wheelchair with his hand on my grandma's knee.  It doesn't seem like much, but it is the only way that he can show his love and appreciation of her and her friendship.  This morning, I saw Jesus.  In the sterile, uninviting, stinky nursing home, eating breakfast with a man whose hand was on her knee.   

"Love one another"  - The greatest commandment ever.  I have learned so much about selfless love from my grandma and Ken.  Ken would do anything in the world for her, if only he could and Grandma sacrifices so much of herself to care for him.  I only hope that some day, I can figure out this love this too...

 

Moments

Today I was editing some of my little brother's engagement pictures and I had a moment.  As I sat staring at a photo of Corey and his soon to be WIFE...(weird)  I got a little teary eyed remembering him as a little boy.  Man was he a cute kid.   I on the other hand...well that is a different story :) 

- Here we all are on my grandma's living room floor- Melissa (6), Me (4), Corey (infant) 

I don't know how many countless fights we got into, how many times I proclaimed my "dislike" of him, and all the times that I made fun of him for being such a little redneck.  He sure can get under my skin.  But we have had a lot of fun together and he has definitely put up with his fair share of stuff from me!

Looking at his engagement photos,  I can't hardly believe that he is going to be a husband.  I have to admit that it took me awhile to get used to the idea.  Partly because he is a BABY...only 23!  Partly because I always figured I would get married first.....which can be a touchy subject for me.  But I can truly say that I am super excited to get another sister and am super excited that my brother isn't one of "those guys" that can't (or won't) settle down.  Way to go little bro!  

I am really honored to get to be apart of Corey and Kiersten's lives and it was a privilege to get to take their engagement pictures.  Anyone who knows my brother knows that photos aren't his "thang" but he was a real trooper, doing everything that I said...without complaining (which is amazing)!  Here are some of my favorite shots of the day.  Congratulations little bro, and welcome to the family Kiersten!  

Hello Again...

I have discovered a pattern.  Once a year (at approximately the same moment in time)  I stumble upon a forgotten desire to be a blogger.  Remembrances of the forgotten.....here's how it began.

I planted myself in front of my computer, something that is a frequent occurrence these days.  Coffee in hand/lap and a to do list a page long.  Send volunteer update, plan lessons for Rooted on Sunday, find games for Fuse kids......get sidetracked by pinterest.....work on volunteer schedules and contact lists, dream about family ministry ideas for next year, google "family ministry ideas",  get sucked in to a mom's blog about the chaos of having 6 children.  STOP...maybe I should be a blogger.  And so it begins again.  Beauty from Ashes.

A year ago I posted about a new journey.  Not one that I ever foresaw myself taking, not one that I had any formal training in, not one that I had competence in or even the slightest idea of where to begin.  Start from scratch was the direction I received.  So that is where I began.

Last summer- I played with kids.  "Am I really getting paid for this?" It was fun, but I felt like I should be doing more.  I talked to Bob (the boss!) haha.  He assured me that playing with kids would pay off and that if I ever wondered what to do next, find someone to spend time with.  So I did.  I swam, ate gallons of ice cream, went fishing, hung out with moms, played kickball, jumped on trampolines, had sleep overs, campfires, and made up game after game after game (I should have been writing them all down!).   Lesson of the summer-  BUILD RELATIONSHIPS.

When fall/winter came and the kids went back to school, I wondered what to do next.  So again, I talked to Bob.  "Get to know the volunteers.   Spend time with them."  So I did.  I drank coffee, had lunch, invited them to do things with me,  did crafts, went to dinner, went to ball games, visited the teachers at work and reminesed about my days in a classroom with them.  I made friends.  "Am I really getting paid for this?"  Lesson of the Fall- BUILD RELATIONSHIPS

So a reflection of the past year- I have built a lot of relationships!  AND in the process discovered a lot about myself.  

To be honest, before Wellspring I was sort of a hermit.  In fact, I would tell my best friend Kylee "I don't want to, need to, or have any desire to meet new people."  Little did I know when God told me to start from scratch, He wasn't talking about children's ministry, He was talking about ME!  He was trying to get my attention all along, but he needed me to be in a place of utter dependency to do so.   Dependency on Him and on the leadership of others.  For the first time, my pride and self sufficiency were questioned and my brokenness was revealed over and over again.  

I don't know why I am surprised when God provides exactly what I need.  In the midst of my broken heart, secluded life, bad attitude, and selfish ambition, God new I needed people to challenge me. I needed people asking me hard questions and listening for honest answers.  

Beauty from Ashes- The story of God using a broken girl to do His will in ways she could  never fathom or deserve.